Where has the time gone? Last post was
March 23, 2010… Clearly the stress of planning a wedding took its toll and I
fell off the BlogSpot bandwagon. Let’s catch up, shall we? September 19, 2010,
best day of my life! I married my best friend and it was perfect. The weather
was perfect, the mood was perfect... everything was PERFECT! We honeymooned in
Hilton Head South Carolina. We weren’t planning on leaving until the next day
but by the time we made it home from the ceremony, we were so giddy, we
couldn’t have slept if we wanted to. So we changed our clothes, made a quick
stop to the local wally world and headed to the beach! A few hours into the
drive, the day’s festivities took its toll. We stopped at a rest stop in
Asheville to nap for a few hours. When we woke up, it was right as the sun was
rising. You couldn’t really see much scenery around 3-4 am as we parked,
everything was dark, but man, when we woke up to the sun coming up through the
trees, over the mountain and the amazing view that we had… that was an amazing
gift from God. Made it feel like we were exactly where we were supposed to be.
Newly married, madly in love and ready to start out life together! We made it
to Hilton Head and the most amazing weather. We went deep sea fishing (I got sea
sick, of course), want on a dolphin boat cruise, ate at ever local place we
could find but most of all, enjoyed each other’s company. Even though we were
together for 5 years before getting married, there were still things to learn
about each other. I loved seeing Phil in his element fishing or just relaxing
on the beach. He never looked more handsome, other than on our wedding
day! Each day, I fell more and more in love with him. I never needed any
reassurance that I made the best decision of my life!
Let’s fast forward a few years… July
2012! We finally decided that after being married for a few years, that it was
time to start trying to expand our happy bunch! Now, as desperate as I was for
a baby, I was dreading how my poor Bella would feel. She is our kid. She slept
in bed with us, was around us all the time. She was our world. But we agreed
that things had to change if a baby would be joining us! We began the process
of her sleeping on her own (with Lukey, who never got on the bed with us, he preferred
the floor or under the bed). The first night we (Bella and I) both cried and
Phil may have laughed a few times but he felt it too. How could we be ready for
a baby if we couldn’t even kick the dog out of the room? Geeze, get it together
LOL. We did it though, we fought through it, and we are all better for it.
There were some nights that I couldn’t bare it, so I slept in the guest room
just so I could have some puppy snuggles. Sometimes you just need puppy
snuggles!
We went to Panama City Beach with the family and had a blast! We were
excited for the next few months. We bought so many pregnancy test, we should
invested in them. Month after month, negative test after negative test, I felt
myself giving up. How many times can you cry over a stick you just peed on? How
many times can your loving husband hold you and console you. (as many times as
I needed, but I knew that I would be the more emotional one here. We all know
how sensitive I am).
We talked to our doctor and she said
that once you have been on birth control (BC), it could take up to a year to
conceive since your body is adjusting to being off of it. That year was
miserable. Every time I was a few days late, I got so excited, so much so that
I made myself think I was having the symptoms. Then the test came and a big fat
negative (BFN).
It was time
for help. During all of this, I had to find a new OBGYN because mine moved out
of the state. I took her recommendation at the same practice and didn’t think
that much would change, however my first and ONLY appointment was a disaster. I
was judged from the moment she walked in the door. A size 0, perfectly toned,
tanned and done up with her hair and make up… walks into my room and
immediately starts judging me. Imagine doing your annual with someone you just
met and already do not feel comfortable with but we wanted a baby, so I will
get over my weird feelings and proceed. She comes back in the room to do my annual after I undressed and as she is
doing her part, she is telling me how overweight I am, that IF I did get
pregnant, that I would be high risk, and IF my child survived, I would be
lucky. She also told me that being at the weight I was, that it was nearly
impossible for me to be a good parent… because how could someone my size
possible be an active parent… a parent who would raise a healthy happy child
who also wouldn’t grow to be “morbidly obese”. At this point, I’m in tears. I
have never felt so hurt, broken, alone and angry. I’m literally lying naked,
completely vulnerable having this woman who is supposed to take care of me and
my feelings be so critical of me. Then she proceeds to tell me “its ok cry…tears
are motivation to get up and do something better for yourself”.
I couldn’t believe
what she was saying. At this point, I was ready for her to be done, for it all
to be done, so I could get dressed and leave with what little bit of dignity I
had left. She sent a nurse in to give me follow up instructions and she could
tell something was wrong. She asked if I wanted to talk about it but at that
point, I was so embarrassed. I just wanted to leave. I spared her the details
but told her that I have never been more humiliated in my life and then left.
From the car I call Phil crying. He of course is outraged and immediately goes
in to protect mode. He wanted to go talk to her face to face but I said no. I didn’t
have another dr and the priority was a baby… I knew I was going to need help,
so I took it as me being overly emotional and said that I just don’t want to
deal with it. Really I just wanted time to process it. I did call and file a
complaint a few days later, I’m sure that went nowhere. That was my first and
last appointment with Dr Arlene Kraut.
After this
experience, I wasn’t to motivate to go find a new dr and possibly deal with the
same response. I received a lot of recommendations and ended up picking Women’s
First about 6 months later. This place… feels like a baby factory. So many
doctors... so many patients. I’m in to more of an intimate setting. I want to
see MY dr when I come in for a visit, not one of 13 but I figured I wanted a
baby… I clearly have been through worse… what’s the worst that could happen.
I meet my doctor, who after a quick 5 minute get to know you, tells me I need
to lose some weight and go through all these tests before we could go any further.
Over the next 8-12 months, there was blood drawn, Xray here, ultrasounds there.
Phil did his test and in the end I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian
Syndrome. PCOS is pretty common, so I was hopeful that this was still going to
be possible. From here I was referred to Dr Joanna Archer at Fertility First
and that’s when I started to get the good feelings back. First appointment, she
explained everything. Did an ultrasound and counted my eggs. Got me started on
Folic Acid & Metformin… we were going to be doing this!!
We are pretty current here. I was told that on day 1 of my cycle, I was to call
into the office and they would order me Clomid. I was to take 2 pills a night
for 5 nights starting on day 3 of my cycle.
I have never
been more excited to take some pills. Does that make me sound like a junky? Lol
Anyways-
Today is Wednesday June 17th... I took my last dose of Clomid last
night. On Friday, we will go back in to see Dr Archer and she will see if the
clomid helped to produce more viable eggs. If we get 2-3 good ones, we will do
IUI!!!! That is intrauterine insemination. Just to make sure the little guys
get put right where they need to be!! Before we can do the IUI, we have to do a
trigger shot. A shot in my stomach that will make me ovulate. With 36 hrs
later, IUI; then hopefully 2 weeks after, we can take a test!
This has
been such an emotional roller coaster for us. Between the stress and side
effects of the drugs, the anxiety of hurry up and waiting… all of it; we need
something good to come of this.
So please
say a pray for us. Please pray that everything will go smoothly and that no
matter what, we will have some kind of peace. And now we wait.
XX Love-
Erica
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